The Desi effect: how South Asian and plus size women can thrive

A plus size South Asian woman would find it hard to thrive in toxic culture societies as well as online but Anisha Verma manages to share how she does it

The judgement tide within South Asian culture runs high at the best of times but when it comes to women like Anisha, plus size and body positive, the desi society absolutely floods.

Anisha Verma, 31, works as an assistant mortgage broker in Leicester as her main job but often creates relatable and fun content on TikTok for women like herself. Although it started off as a fun time-pass, her friends had encouraged her to pursue it further. “When I was growing up, there was no Asian representation of my body size or any plus size representation for me to look up to as a child apart from, ‘Goodness Gracious Me’, which came out years ago. I wanted to be relatable for South Asian women and plus size women in general.”

As the eldest grandchild in her family, where hierarchy has significance in her culture, there was no support or advice offered to her growing up, either. She says, “There were no older women, apart from my aunt, who were like that. They always told me to lose weight when I was younger and that’s how I would find a man.

“But I thought to myself, at 17, that I didn’t have to lose weight to have a ‘normal life’ and that was a, like, pivotal moment for me.”

Since that moment in her youth, she had become determined to be a trendsetter, embracing herself within her family and in life, too.

Even within her culture, though, there are times akin to challenging when it comes to losing weight or stereotypes of plus size women. Anisha says, “One time, my mum was telling me that if I was going to lose weight, she wouldn’t buy me anymore crisps and stuff but after a shower, she had been making kheer (a South Asian dessert) and I thought how ironic it was. Trying to lose weight whilst being South Asian is so difficult when diet culture doesn’t exist in our society – just oil.

“It’s kind of like a misconception from other people because it isn’t an overnight thing to lose weight – especially in our culture and no one really knows what’s going on in anyone’s lives.”

South Asian women genetically carry more weight than other races and, especially for women like Anisha, having PCOS often goes unacknowledged with stereotypes when it comes to losing weight.

As for the stigma regarding ‘skinny is more loveable’, Anisha found herself going through various experiences with her body and the dating world, saying, “Dating is hard. Men will want to date you, specifically Asian men, in secret and at night. You can’t meet their family so that they can save themselves from judgement for dating a fat girl. I find myself always checking up on them before the date, letting them know that I’m a size 20 and I’m bigger than the average girl – even if they have seen photos.”

Having an aunt say to Anisha that fat girls were not desirable, that, within Asian culture, skinny is best, it had skewed Anisha’s thoughts on dating with her body type until she had come across some good experiences, too. “A few months ago, I had met someone who was so accepting of my body and background but, unfortunately, due to his own personal circumstances, it didn’t work. But I focus on the fact that it taught me good things. He was ready to marry me before it had crashed and he really, truly loved me. It showed me that true gentlemen do still exist.”

Although no family judgement had personally affected her relationships, she indirectly felt the hurt of her uncle’s relationship who had been affected, sticking with her as a reminder for how South Asian family culture has a hand in personal lives. She says, “To a degree, the size of your body should matter depending on attraction with your partner and stuff but to the rest of the extended family, it shouldn’t matter. Their opinions are irrelevant.

“Within our culture, people are nosey and gossip happens a lot, sadly. Like, my family still make comments but I just ignore it. I go to the gym and it will take time but if I find someone along the way whilst I’m not skinny, that’s great and if he doesn’t, that’s whatever. But the aunties, and now uncles, need to stop being so judgemental. They just gossip and can’t mind their own business.”

Not only does Anisha face comments from her family but being a content creator means she receives the same treatment online on TikTok, too. Having to resort to filtering and deleting comments from people who comment malicious things, she chooses to focus on the better parts of putting herself out there digitally. “People, especially men, will comment the hippo emoji, the cow one, the elephant one and probably any emoji. It did kind of bother me at the beginning but after speaking to my friend and mum, I realised what actually matters is the hundreds of messages from women thanking me. They say I help them with taking no judgement from aunties, that they can wear jeans and even though I have a little cry every now and then, the messages from the women about how much I help them fuels me, makes me want to post more.”

One comment in particular, from a woman older than Anisha, had resonated with her, making it one of her biggest ‘achievements’ as a creator. “The woman had told me that her daughter, who was 12, had watched my videos with her mum together and they had thought I was a total inspiration. Her mum was telling me how she wished people like me could’ve been around during her young years – that having someone who spoke so frankly about dating and body issues had such a profound impact on them.”

Another standout achievement for Anisha was a recent adventure to an Indian clothes shop and how, for the first time ever, she had left with several outfits and emerged victorious. Known for the stigma, shaming and empty-handed feeling that plus size women experience in such shops, Anisha hadn’t expected to meet an owner who did not let her apologise for her body, determined to find fitting and beautiful cultural clothes. She says, “I had plentiful shame from the several other shops that had nothing for me and treated me like a problem because of my body size but the woman at this Birmingham shop was so nice, and I had finished with basically all of the outfits there.”

For plus size women, fashion can be challenging to navigate and feel comfortable in and Anisha was no exception, saying, “I used to feel ashamed of my body when I went to certain shops where they didn’t have my size, like Zara but one of my friends is like a personal stylist.

“Even if they might not have something in XL, my friend will persuade me to buy it. Like, I tried on this blouse that fit really nice and even though it was on a size 20 hanger, my friend pointed out that it was actually a size 16. It’s a rarity in high street shops to cater towards plus size even if shopping now is a positive experience for me.”

As her TikTok career grows, Anisha has had more South Asian and plus size women reaching out, offering advice and help alongside the amount of people thanking her for help. She now has aims of branching out her content into other relatable topics for women, trying to offer what she did not have.

“I would love to tell my younger self not to care about others, to love yourself and let it run, like water off a duck’s back kind of thing. People will always judge you but you’ll grow up and feel confident and unashamed.”